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BONUS: Beyond the Boob Episode 13

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Oh, welcome back to Beyond the Boob. This is the show where we take you beyond breastfeeding into Heather’s new pregnancy. Hey, Heather, how you doing? It’s week 13. In case you didn’t know. Second trimester, you know? Is it because my app says not till the 14th week? So you know how they debate this endlessly on the internet at the end of your 13th week?

It’s the second trimester. I don’t know. It doesn’t really matter. Do you wanna be in it or not, Heather? I want it so desperately. We’re calling it that then. That’s what we’re saying. Okay. Good. Good. Yeah. Everyone is always like, oh, you made it past 12 weeks. That’s so great. Don’t you feel amazing? As if like overnight a rainbow started shooting outta my asshole.

And it’s like, you did it. It’s like, wait. It’s actually a lot slower of a transition than that. But yeah. Yeah, I mean, and I actually, I have to explain that a lot with clients for, for lots of things like, oh, nothing magically happens overnight after your due date. Nothing magically happens when you turn from 34 and 364 days to 35, you know, like.

And in America, we just, we love numbers, you know, we just love categorizing things and I think that as humans, we latch onto it, especially in times of crisis where we’re like, I’m not gonna make it another day. If only I can make it to insert date or arbitrary number here. Yeah, for sure. Oh, well, tell me how you’re feeling.

How’s nausea and everything? So I have a lot more energy during the day and by a lot more. I mean, I’m not normal by any means, but I’m no longer taking like naps in the middle of the day. I mean, power naps, I’m not having to like lay down to just like regroup. Evenings are still rough with nausea, but I’ve just been going to bed like early.

Yeah. Just because it’s the only thing that fixes it. Still taking half a Unisom and B6 still doing the acupuncture tax every other day. Good. But I can definitely see a slight improvement, which is good. And my clothes don’t fit. And I’ve been so busy that I haven’t really had time to go out and shop for maternity anything.

Nor do we have a ton of money right now because we just did this big office build out. So I’ve been like, weirdly, maybe it’s not weird. I’ve just been kind of stressed about like clothing and money and how much you have to gather, like even underwear, and you’re like, God, oh. It is stressful. It, it’s like even if you don’t like fit into maternity clothes yet, you’re still like, well, I’m one size bigger now, so nothing I have fits.

Right. Exactly. And it’s just, I don’t think men get it, you know? No, I don’t think they understand. No, they don’t understand also like having to basically temporarily replace your wardrobe like every three weeks for the next couple months. Yeah. I’m not great at dressing myself at baseline, so this is like really extra for me.

And I’m also not out on Facebook yet, so yeah, I have not, I didn’t put out like a public call for clothes. But luckily my friend Julia, who lives up the street, dropped off two bags of clothes for me. Oh, nice. And saved my. Ass. I mean, I was to the point where I’m like, in the middle of the night I woke up full of rage and just ripped my underwear off because it was like cutting my thighs off.

Perfect. You know? And I was just like, I’m done with, yes, I, you just reminded me I was at a birth once and you know, I encourage people postpartum to like pull out the granny panties or the diapers, like whatever’s cozy. I had somebody put on. These like very small lacy panties with their postpartum pad.

And I was like, you do you whatever’s cozy. And she got them on and sat down. She was like, no, and I’m not getting back up. And I was like, okay, how about I just cut them off you? How about that? And she was like, yeah, cut them off. Yeah. I don’t know what I was thinking. Oh my gosh. Yeah. Me and my, my friends were joking this morning because my husband like doesn’t know how to take care of me.

Like we’re having a weird, we’re having a weird like role. Partner situation right now, whereas you do, he’s like almost treating me like a kid. You know, like he’s not doing the things that I really need him to do. He’s doing things like laying out my clothing, trying, trying to pack my backpack, but yelling at me.

What do you need in your backpack? I’m like, I don’t need you packing my work backpack. I need you folding the clothes so I can find my own clothing. Exactly like thanks for laying out this wrinkled outfit that no longer fits me. I appreciate it. But I would much rather you complete any of the other tasks, you know?

Yeah, yeah. The big tasks. Yeah, the big tasks. So it’s just like very strange and I don’t know, I was trying to like sum up how. This, because this has been probably the biggest issue where it’s like, do you think I am fragile? Because like, I kind of am, but I also, there’s things to be done. No question.

Yeah. I, that’s a really hard thing to think about in pregnancy because, you know, especially for a healthy low risk pregnancy, we’re, we’re always saying like, you’re not sick, you’re pregnant. It’s different. And, and I think it’s, it feels more like when you’re in it, Like, I, I need to choose my fragility. Do you know what I mean?

Mm-hmm. Like, you can’t assume I’m sick and fragile all the time. You also can’t assume that you’re like strong and capable all the time, like, because it varies from moment to moment, but here’s what you can be sure of. I will ask you. Yeah, I’m an adult now and I know that asking for things that you need is not a crime.

Yeah. You know, it’s taken me a long time to get there, but it is so much better in a relationship for you to just ask. So what’s happening is, and you’ve like really hit the nail on the head. I’m asking for things that I need. He’s not giving me those things. He’s giving me other things that I didn’t ask for.

And simultaneously he is not asking for what he needs, so he’s not getting the things that he needs. Mm-hmm. So he’s like sort of in this weird wallowing and self-pity, like nervous about the pending, I don’t even know. Like he’s just like having a small little male crisis. Yeah. And I really can’t put my finger on it.

I. And I feel like it’s important to talk about that today. Mm-hmm. Because I think this probably happens a lot and he’s a good guy. Like he’s objectively one of the good ones. Yeah. But I think they just get confused because I’m changing. So what we really need is to like create a responsive, dynamic division of labor.

In the romantic partnership, you know, it has to be able to be fluid and like both partners have to communicate probably more than usual because things are changing so quickly. Mm-hmm. I don’t know, but it’s annoying, I will say that. Yeah, absolutely. And it’s, it’s hard when you’re levels of communication don’t match.

Mm-hmm. I can see that’s very frustrating. And also the standards don’t match. Yeah. Just men and women, women didn’t that the hard thing, man. Yeah. Like, I like, and, and it’s like, it’s, that’s a really hard thing to change actually. Yeah. You can’t, you can’t be like, let me rewrite your brain’s, like, you know, code on what is clean enough and what, what is done enough for this task.

Right, because like the thing is, they like it when things are clean and put together. Sure. You know, so like he is getting stressed out that there is a mountain of laundry that’s not folded and put away so, He’s not gonna do anything about it. He’s just gonna be stressed about it. Yeah. And so like that, that’s a difference for me.

You know? I don’t know. Anyway, like shit, like all the pictures in my house on the wall are crooked for like, why? I don’t know. Like I got home the other day and I was like, what the fuck happened here? You know, and like Nerf gun battle, who knows am I? Am I supposed to go around and adjust all these pictures?

Is this something that I used to do regularly when I had energy? Why isn’t this bothering you or is it bothering you? But it’s so subconscious that you don’t realize it. I feel like that’s a thing he wouldn’t see. But a hundred percent. I don’t know. Yeah. And, and those are things that you kind of unconsciously do throughout the day when you have like an ounce of extra energy, right?

You walk by and you’re like, oh, that one’s crooked. Let me just, you know, put it back. Oh, like, you know, the kids left this on the couch. Let me just throw it in the pile. It’s supposed to be, and you know, blah, blah, blah. All those little things when you just stop doing them, really add up. Yeah. Can I give another example just cuz I’m on a roll right now and full of second trimester rage, apparently.

Do it. So in the morning yesterday I get up and he opens the fridge and there’s water that’s just pouring out of the ice maker. And I’m like, okay, either the door was left open, which probably not cuz it would’ve beeped or Yeah, the filter that’s been saying that it needed changed for two months, finally clogged and it’s like backing up.

Mm-hmm. So I said the filters needed changed and he just stares at me. Of course. So I say, well, lucky for us. I bought two filters last time. I changed the filter and it’s under the sink. Stares at me. I reach over, get the filter out, hand it to him, and he looks at me and says, can you at least show me where the filter goes?

And I’m thinking, you should, is free. Should be embarrassed. Like you should be fucking embarrassed. We’ve had this fridge for three years. Like really? So I opened the door and I’m like, it’s right there. And I said, just make sure you read the directions. Does he read the directions? No. No, he does not. Does he spend an inordinate amount of time on the water filter?

Yes, he does. To the point where I now have to change my schedule to take Heidi to daycare. And so right before we walk out the door, I need a water bottle for work. And I said, is the water filter primed? And he just stared at me and I said, did you prime it? And he just stared at me and I said, you have to read.

The directions. And he was like, God. And he walks in the kitchen and I’m like, are you 14? I just need some fucking water, you know? And I’m just, I’m really over the patriarchy and I love my husband so much, but enough of that little stuff has built up over the past. Yeah. 11 weeks of me being like fairly incapacitated during my typical domestic time that it’s just like built up to the point where everything is spilling over, literally, metaphorically, the whole thing.

Yeah, and I, I think it’s like, the problem isn’t that he doesn’t know how to do that. That’s fine. The problem is he, one didn’t communicate that in an appropriate way. Right. He didn’t like take responsibility for it. He was, he kinda said it to you in a weird way, you know, the appropriate thing would’ve been like, oh, okay, do you want me to change that?

I don’t know how, like, can you help me or I’ll figure it out. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And that’s the other alternative, or it’s recognizing that your partner. Doesn’t have the time, capacity, whatever to do that, and just being like, eh, YouTube’s free. I’m sure it’s on there. Great. Mm-hmm. Yeah, and it’s like, I’m sorry man.

I’m so sorry that this past 11 weeks of the mental burden of you being the default parent mm-hmm. Has been so hard. I’ve been doing it for years. So you don’t get a sticker and I don’t feel that bad for you, and you just need to fucking get better. You know, when they’re like, I’m doing the best I can, and you’re like, well get better.

Like, it’s not good enough and you should feel like shit. Sorry. Yeah. Is that so mean? A little bit, but I understand why. I mean, because here’s the thing, and here’s where the like anger is coming from. We are about to get busier. Like there is a whole other human coming. So in my mind I’m like, we either have to figure this out or I have to figure out a way to do all of it all the time and just not expect anything and basically mentally cut you out and just improve on my own since it’s so hard for you.

Yeah. And then I get like really deeply mad about it because I know I could do it. And I’m like, maybe he just needs to be reminded that I can do it. And then I’m like, Heather, that’s not healthy for marriage. So I just have this like thing going on in my head where it’s like the angel and the devil is just like, yeah, that’s tough.

That’s tough, and you’re not gonna do that all perfectly. And it’s just not. Like, I don’t know. You guys are just gonna do your best, but sometimes you kind of hope his best is gonna be a little better. No doubt. No doubt. I mean, for God’s sakes, my son downloaded the little Sprout app and he’s following along the pregnancy with me and learning about it.

That’s cute. And when he sees that I’m tired, he is like, mommy, I see that you’re so tired and you’re still trying to do the best you can. Thanks so much for being the best mommy. And I’m like, yep, you’re doing, you get it. Like you’re doing better. That’s what I needed. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Well you wanna hear something funny always.

So the NHS, which is the British Health Service, says the second trimester is at 13 weeks and zero days. And ACOG says it’s 14 weeks and zero days. And you know, I think I just figured out why, because you can’t divide 40 weeks by three. I was like, why is there that discrepancy? Let me like Google that while I’m listening.

That’s really funny. That actually makes sense. Okay. You got us again. Math. You silly. Little subject. But anyway let’s move on to some of the exciting things happening, right? Like your baby’s got gonads, cool beans. Good for you. Sweet. You just gruesome balls or ovaries. Oh, right. Balls or ovaries, which is better.

You decide. The outside stuff is still like slightly ambiguous, you know? But gonads are pretty cooked, so that’s exciting. Also, like there’s some theories around like, and you know, this is not like we don’t have giant studies to back this or anything, but there’s some theories that women who are having boys are gonna experience more anger at this point because their levels of testosterone are a lot higher because they’re making male genitalia.

Hmm, well, which I feel like checks out. Yeah. Could be. We, we don’t know the sex, but if we’re going based on anger it’s definitely a boy that’s funny. Yeah. And also physically I have more cervical pressure when I pee and poop, you know? Mm-hmm. So like my pelvic floor was, is a little lackluster, you know?

It’s not super strong. Yeah. I was gonna ask how I know you were doing pelvic floor PT prior to the pregnancy. Are you thinking about starting that up again at some point? Well, you know, most of the pelvic P PT that I did, I realized was mostly yoga and strength training. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So I’m still just going to the gym two and three times a week and You know, we do a lot of squatting, a lot of like kettlebell swings and yeah, so I think that’s like helped, but I can tell my uterus is heavier and it’s definitely moved up.

So like I still have to pee a bunch, but when I pee, I feel the heaviness on top of it, if that makes any sense. Okay. And yeah, sure. I’ve started having some like round ligament stuff, but nothing crazy, you know, just like when I stand up every once in a while it’ll kind of seize up and be like, Hey, I’m here.

And then it’ll go back. Yeah. I feel like 14 to 20 weeks is when I get the most complaints about round ligament pain. And God, that stuff hurts. It’s annoying, it catches you off guard. You’re like, okay. And it’s like a little, it always felt like somebody just had a really big hot needle that every once in a while they would just be like, poke ha.

Yeah. Haha. You’re stretching. It’s hilarious. Yeah. But have you felt any movement yet? Still early, but some people tell me they do. No. I don’t really expect it for a couple weeks still, but I don’t know a lot of, you know multi Paris folks or people who’ve had a couple of babies often tell me, like right at the end of the first trimester that they felt something.

Hmm. So T B D. Yeah, let us know. We’re all waiting with beated breath. Okay, well you’ll have to wait another week or two for the quickening. I think it’s so funny, they call it the quickening when you feel movement. Oh yeah. But you know, like it makes sense that before we had diagnostic tools to be like, you are definitely pregnant and your baby’s great and I can hear it’s heartbeat that you wouldn’t have any confirmation that this is like really happening Until then.

Right. Yeah, that makes sense. And we have not listened with a Doppler. Mm-hmm. You know, so let me just tell you our first prenatal Maureen didn’t have her Doppler, and honestly, I didn’t really care because I. They’re oftentimes with your first Yeah. You know, Doppler situation, they can’t actually get to it, and so then mm-hmm.

They get nervous that it’s, they can’t find it, so then you end up with an ultrasound and it just causes a lot of unnecessary anxiety. So for me, I was like, eh, we can skip it. You know, it’s probably fine. Usually if I’m, if I’m using the doppler between, I don’t use it before eight weeks, ever, between eight and 12 weeks.

It’s a ho, it’s a handheld Doppler. It’s not as sensitive as a hospital one. So I tell folks like, Hey, we can use this today. However, we might not be able to hear the heartbeat clearly if it is there. And that’s not necessarily gonna tell us if something is wrong or not. Yeah, it just might tell us that we can’t hear it right now.

So a lot of people like to wait. We waited because we, I forgot some of my stuff and we had to reschedule where we were gonna have her anyway. It was, it was a little crazy. There were sicknesses and rescheduling, but in, but a lot of people just wait because they don’t wanna have that anxiety about possibly not hearing it in that time period.

And the reality is too, that if we do. Not have a heartbeat then, and we like do an ultrasound, we confirm there’s not a viable pregnancy. There’s nothing we can do to change that. Mm-hmm. You know? So hearing it or not isn’t necessarily, you know, it’s not gonna change our care. Right. Right. Because we’re still gonna do care based on the symptoms you’re having.

If we were to not have a viable pregnancy, like we would still take a wait and see approach, all that kind of stuff. Yeah. And, and I think that’s like one thing that it, people are always shocked about. Like, if you do end up miscarrying in the first trimester, it feels like an emergency to you. But then the healthcare people are like, all right, well, let us know what you need.

Mm-hmm. And if you can’t get it out, we’ll get it out. And you’re like, what? Don’t you need to like admit me? This feels like my life is ending. And Oh, it does. Yeah. It’s, it’s crazy. And they’re like, oh, go home. Bye. Yeah. Yeah. So, I mean, I hope you’re not in that situation listening, but if you are, please know that it’s like nature being nature and, you know, the healthcare system really can’t help you more than like a lot of mm-hmm.

Compassionate, supportive care at home. There are a lot of resources for miscarriage support at home and you know, grief stuff. Yeah. What’s that one group in Pittsburgh called? Oh, Pittsburgh has a, the Pittsburgh Bereavement Doulas. They’re like a nonprofit that provides free doula support for any kind of pregnancy loss.

And a lot of areas have that and a lot of independent doulas provide free or, or sliding scale services for that. Yeah. Yeah. I just feel like it’s good to mention that because I mean, it’s very common and mm-hmm. If it’s not you, it’s a friend. So just making sure they know what their options are is important and that Yeah.

You know, it’s not usually a medical emergency. It’s like something that just requires a lot of loving care and that’s not something we can often find in the Western medical system. Yeah. And, and I think it’s something, it’s hard to ask for. You know? Mm-hmm. Like I, I do offer in-person miscarriage support in my practice, and a lot of people don’t take me up on that, which is fine, but I, I think that’s not necessarily because they don’t want support so much as they don’t.

Really feel that they deserve it. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Or they don’t know what you could possibly do for them. Yeah. Yeah. It’s, I don’t know, and I’m happy to respect whatever people want then, but I, I do wish I, I could find a better way of explaining that so that more people would accept that help.

Mm-hmm. Agreed. And we didn’t used to have to ask for it, you know? It used to just be, yeah. When we lived in communities of women, it would just, right. There would be someone else close by that you would trust to come help. Yep, exactly. Well, mm-hmm. Hopefully I’m not as ragy next week against, you know, my husband, the patriarchy.

Oh, I mean, if you are, it’s okay. And, and you know what the other thing is that I’ve noticed. Yeah. When patients come in and they tell me their horror stories about how they were treated and pregnancy, labor, and birth, it’s, hi. It’s hitting a little different now. Yeah. For me, like I’m getting a little bit more angry and it’s a little harder for me to compartmentalize and my, you know, chief Operating Officer Abigail said Heather.

I am absolutely here to talk about it, but if this gets worse and you need like more support, you might wanna reestablish with a therapist because you’re pregnant and like it’s probably gonna hit you a little harder. And that is the first time I thought about the fact that like, being pregnant might make this harder for me to compartmentalize.

Yeah. And you know, I, I think it’s, I think it’s okay to be caught off guard by that because you and I both are very good at compartmentalizing and it. You’d be like, why would that change that? Yeah. But same reason that you cry at sad puppy commercials on TV now when you’re pregnant because your, your brain is changing.

Your emotions are different, right. Yeah. Oh God. It is a boy, isn’t it? I’m not crying at puppy commercials. I’m just freaking raging everywhere. We’ll see. But, but I think it’s definitely a good idea to be thinking about how you can protect yourself from. You know, like secondhand trauma essentially.

Mm-hmm. Right now. And, and I think it’s something that a lot of people don’t realize when they go into lactation that like they’re actually gonna hear the worst birth stories ever, just over and over continually. It’s sometimes the best, you know, but, but like high volume of bad birth stories, because folks who have a harder time with birth, emergency birth, stuff like that, are statistically more likely to have more trouble with lactation.

Yeah, so we do see that a lot. And yeah, it’s, it’s something where you have to figure out how you can listen compassionately, listen clinically, and then be able to walk away from that intact. Mm-hmm. Yep. So it’s on my radar now. And we’ll deal with it as it comes. But that was a really good reminder and that’s why it’s good to have friends who can be honest with you.

Yes, yes. And it’s good to be able to listen to them, cuz it doesn’t always feel good for somebody to say, Hey, you need to get back in therapy. At this point in my life, I’m like, yeah, you’re probably right. I mean, yeah, I, I don’t have a lot of pushback when people are like, you need help? I’m like, sure.

You’re probably right. I do. Yeah. Well lots to look forward to, you know, in the next trimester. Right. We might, we might have more energy. We might also have bleeding gums, you know, give and take. Oh, I have that already. Yeah. Anything else that’s changed? I still have pregnancy rhinitis where my have like bloody boogers all the time.

That’s fun. That, that might not change. Sorry. It’s all right. Whatever. I mean, I haven’t had any heartburn yet. At least I don’t have that. Maybe later. That is a really nice thing. Maybe later. Probably later. Sweet. Oh goodness. Well hopefully we’ll start to see a little glow, you know, and you’ll be like, at least that’s one good thing this does for me.

Ha. We’ll replace the back knee with a glow. Let’s do that. That would be lovely. Oh goodness. Well, What are you looking forward to this week? Let’s try to end on a high note. Well, let’s see, what am I looking forward to? I’m hoping that I have a lot more energy during the day and I can, you know, tackle some of the things on my to-do list that I have been kind of putting off that just require more mental energy.

And I would like to go to the gym three times instead of two times. And I don’t know, I’m really liking the weather. Like the weather is coming around and the birds singing make me very happy and oh, oh yeah. That’s great. Yeah. Mornings when you like open the window and you’re like, I can hear birds, and there’s a cool breeze.

It’s nice. Yes. I hear the peepers peeping and it’s like, oh yeah. The best. So I am very happy to have made it through another winter, which I hate. Yes. We’re gonna kick seasonal depression in the butt. It’s great. Yes. I’m looking forward to vitamin D. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. All right. That’s it. You don’t really, if you had zero things on that list, I would be okay with that, but I’m glad you had a few things.

It felt like a stretch at first, but we came up with something, you know, you kind of have to fake it till you make it sometimes. Right. Okay. I’m fine with it. Yeah, and if you have nothing to look forward to, I usually say like, why don’t you make something to look forward to be like, on Thursday I’m going to eat a piece of cake.

Great. Look forward to that shit. I’m looking forward to the French toast sticks. Abigail’s bringing me for breakfast. There you go. There you go. For second breakfast. Yes. Second. Breakfast is now a staple in your diet. Yay. You’ve become a hobbit in pregnancy and I support that. Thank you, appreciate that and love that.

And thank you guys for listening to week 13. I hope you are hanging in there and I am sending you all the best pregnant energy. Yes, and we’ll see you next week for 14 weeks, and I hope you’re all feeling marginally better by then. Yes. All right. Take care everyone. Bye-Bye bye.


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